My story...everyone has one right ?...;)
Have you ever felt like you don't belong? That you're not good enough, thin enough, good looking enough? If your honest answer is no, then my blog may not be for you and that's ok.
I have spent a lot of time soul searching and this much I do know for sure; "Para gustos se hicieron los colores" ( I'll elaborate on this later but, for now I'll attempt staying on track. ) I can relate whole heartedly to the words that the great and talented actress Sally Field said in her acceptance speech for the movie
Places in the Heart. She gave thanks to her family who she felt held her together, continued to love her and were patient with her obsession for the craft of acting. "I haven't had an orthodox career and I've wanted more than anything to have your respect...You like me, right now...you like me"...said Sally Field accepting and holding that beautiful golden statue and finally feeling like she couldn't deny that people really liked her! :)
( God, I LOVE her ) and like most people we all wonder if we are going to be liked, good enough and all of that jazz. Hence, the lifelong struggle I have encountered in my personal life and also unorthodox career as far as I can remember.
While I have spent most of my adult life behind the scenes in the entertainment world after graduating college, I have always had a love of the arts. After school and at times on school days ( if there was a special event or audition ) I spent most of my time in dance rehearsals, voice and piano lessons, modeling school, running from one commercial or movie audition to another and always hoping to be liked enough to get a part on a TV show or a dance team etc. that you'll get a good idea from the collage of pictures I've included on this page. Growing up on Long Island, New York in an overprotected old school cuban household created a dynamic that most of my classmates didn't relate to and many of my peers bullied me for. I would often be ridiculed for pursuing what people in the entertainment industry called a "triple threat". The torment in grade school through high school was very real and my inner child felt broken for a very long time leading to feelings of self doubt and a lot of second guessing. Whoever said sticks and stones will break my bones but, names will never hurt me was sadly mistaken. Being called a "spic" and "ugly" cut like a knife right through my heart each and every time. When one is punched and given a bloody lip while waiting at the bus stop to be driven to kindergarten, excluded from teams or left dead last for dodge ball picks in middle school gym class, ( such a violent game growing up...never did understand how teachers ever allowed that at such a young age ) tripped down the high school stair case as well as a lit cigarette flicked at your eye in the bathroom stall and other instances that gives the movie Mean Girls a run for their money, it tends to work on your psyche and keep working for quite some time. Boys were also part of the daily unkind acts and were not mutually exclusive. The lasting impact scarred me for years while I smiled on the outside but, became detached from every single creative outlet I ever knew and loved. The only place I have ever felt truly accepted was anywhere creativity took place and that usually meant at a TV station, movie set, stage or rehearsal studio. By the grace of God I graduated from college on time and became part of a sorority that I still hold dear to this day, yet as a collegiate taking an overload of credits each semester and deciding to pledge in the spring semester of my junior year didn't allow for much to time to bond with all my chapter sisters and pick my grades up for graduation after long hours pledging. So, I definitely felt like I missed out on college years and came late to the party. Some would say a Bachelor's of Arts from the Dance and Drama Department at Hofstra University is not too shabby. Funny thing about that is, I somehow took a very different path and got in my own way. I wasn't able to implement the skills I learned as I allowed obstacles to dim my light for years where feelings of worthlessness were
embedded deeply. I became a shadow of myself and hid behind the scenes. However, I was able to help other people reach their goals and follow their dreams. I guess that was my way of remaining creative and living vicariously through other's endeavors and success. My picker was off with romantic suitors and let's just say I was both hiding and lost for most of my 20's and 30's. All the years of self doubt and anguish left life long emotional wounds that prevented me from feeling confident in myself. Luckily, I was able to channel both my grandmother and father's influence in creativity by way of choreographing fitness competitor's dance routines, styling and choosing fabrics for their costumes, dancing and motivating guests at events, trade shows and showcases which was enough to keep me out from drowning into a sea of depression. I was also in and out of Corporate America and Retail part time holding an Advertising and Public Relations position for a while, Clerical, and later in charge of
a Silk Floral Department for a popular craft store. I learned a lot on how to channel angels from heaven's guidance, "eat crow", pay my dues and keep my mouth shut!...until, one day...I stood up for myself and just couldn't take one more second of ultimately feeling unheard, unappreciated and unseen.
You can say I know a thing or two about wanting to belong, wanting to feel fulfilled in one's career choice mind, body and soul and...L I K E D!!! If you're asking why it took me so long to get back into the "rhythm"...the answer would be FEAR. Fear of being rejected and triggering all the emotions that as a child impacted me so profoundly when it came to my self esteem. Ironically,
all of my creative interests along the way led me to where I am in my life journey at this moment and all the while I thought I was trying to regain my identity and self worth but, the truth is it has always been with me. I was just protecting myself. You only do better when you know better and what doesn't kill you for sure makes you wiser and definitely stronger! Baby steps...this time, I'm taking a stand for what I believe in, doing what I love and loving what I do...all while the playing field and everything
has drastically changed.
Fast forward to discovering that with all the years I have spent remaining behind the scenes and using it as a crutch to stay out of the lime light, not only do I love customizing exotic and luxury silk floral arrangements, prop styling and staging spaces, up-cycling, DIY, decor and design...NOTHING is stopping me from combining my passion for all things creative and sharing them with other's on social media platforms via demonstrations, tutorials and capturing behind the scenes footage. I've been
re-inventing the wheel for myself for quite a bit of time and doors have begun to open instead of getting slammed in my face.
Which seemed to be a running streak for a long time. I am so very grateful for every blessing and for all my experiences that have shaped who I have become so far. I keep reminding myself that baby steps and slow and steady wins the race is what someone very wise once said and I just have to believe that to be true.
Feel free to join me in my journey with my progress, my work, my mistakes and my little victories. Life is usually filled with trials and tribulations and the curve balls that derail us from our goals and focus every now and then. It's never too late to take chances and make changes in order to achieve a life long dream or just seek self improvement. I'm revamping my home studio a little at a time and I am eager to share more video tutorials,
demonstrations, collaborate and learn from like mind's to support and empower each other. Isn't that what life should really be about anyway regardless of your field of interest? I believe there is room for everyone to shine bright on this earth and encourage others to do the same for whatever it is that moves them.
Live and learn, do better when you know better, pay it forward and most importantly...learn to forgive others, like but, also LOVE including yourself and NEVER EVER GIVE UP!